Round Up the Usual Suspects

In honor of last week’s outing to see the Bourne Ultimatum, this is a list of things you need to know if you are looking to start a career as a super-secret international spy-type assassin.

1. When you think you are being followed, it is best to drive evasively, and if possible, the wrong way down the street. This will deter all but the most suicidal of local law enforcement personnel from chasing you. If you are reasonably certain you are being followed, trade your car for one you swipe from the nearest parking garage and drive like hell. If you are absolutely positive you are being followed, ditch the car all together, cut off your hair (and dye it if possible) and move to the beach in India.

   

2. Joan Allen is on your side. I mean, I suspected as much, but you never can tell in the backstabbing world of espionage. I’ve had a good vibe about her ever since she played the vice president in that movie with Jeff Bridges, but it’s only with Bourne that she really shows her true colors as one of the good guys with oustanding moral fiber. Take that, GOP.
3. Unlike Joan Allen, other assassins are not your friends. You will not be getting together after work to unwind at the local watering hole during happy hour. You will not enjoy backyard BBQs with your families. Even when you think you have just shared a moment, all they are doing is distracting you while they call in for reinforcements. They are ASSASSINS, and they are trying to KILL YOU.
4. Bond is better than Bourne. I know, I don’t like it either. I can’t think of a single good time I had while watching a Bond movie, but let’s face it. Bourne is an amnesiac, rogue prototype who has to resort to defending himself with common household items and has a tendency to get his girlfriends murdered. Bond drives kickass cars with awesome gadget-y weapons at his disposal, all while hardly breaking a sweat, and he has a different woman for every movie. Hence, while I believe it is much more badass to be Bourne, it is certainly much easier to be Bond.
5. Jack Crawford now runs the CIA. What the hell? Last we saw, Jack was grinding away as director of behavioral science for the FBI. Now suddenly he turns up as the director of the CIA? I thought those guys hated each other. Didn’t that stupid testerone get part of the blame for 9/11? They didn’t want to share information, so while they were too busy not giving each other the secret passwords to their clubhouses, al Qaeda had pilots in American flight schools. Whatever the case, Crawford clearly turns up at CIA headquarters. Perhaps Jack was too distraught over the loss of the virtuous Agent Starling to evil Hannibal Lecter and he jumped ship to work with more controllable killers.

So that’s what I know. Use this information wisely. Big brother is watching.